Toilet training is a big deal. But it doesnt have to be a big stress! Imo there's too much unnecessary pressure, stress, and guilt about getting it done on time.
Not everyone has the capacity to have empathy or give us the support we need during this tough time. Some childcare centres try to enforce a "norm" of potty training before the age of 4.
I remember one centre used to take the trouble to scrape my sons poos into plastic bags, place it in his backpack and send it home to me (the claim being this was more hygenic than scraping it into the toilet...). Some centres have this policy so carers have to follow... but the obvious message behind it is that all children should be potty trained before the age of four. My son has a diagnosis - he is autistic like me. It's unfortunate that society won't always accept that some kids just need a bit of extra time than others.
All you can do is give yourself the compassion to get through it and most importantly make sure you and your child remain an unbreakable team. Ignore others who aren't helpful.
And here’s another truth—every child develops at their own pace, and there’s no “norm”. People quick to label a child's behaviour "not normal" are usually wrong. Who gets to say my son isn't normal? His behaviour IS normal for him. It's misinformed to label someone "not normal" just because they dont fit into a rigid standard.
Children need us on their side, especially when they are going through a big milestone. Sometimes we are their only advocate, so no matter what - just stay on your child's side.
If your child is taking longer than others, it’s not necessarily because of something you are or aren’t doing. The key is to jump into the adventure wholeheartedly (not avoidantly) and just keep experimenting with different strategies until you find what works best for you guys and just be patient.
Here are the things I wish I knew before I started toilet training....
1. Not all kids send signs they're ready to begin toilet training
Kids (especially more independant ones) may show these signs when they’re ready, like:
Pulling at their nappy
Staying dry overnight
Seeking privacy to go
Telling you when they are about to go
Laid back children may not show these signs obviously or at all because they simply aren't worried about the feeling of being wet.
More cautious children may also hide the fact they are ready to go simply because it’s a change from what they’re used to and they want to resist changes to their routine.
Regardless of whether you have an independant, laid back or extra cautious kid, starting sooner rather than later can actually help them feel less anxious about it overall. We all know that long-term habits are hearder to break the longer you have them.
2. Let Them Feel the Wetness
Disposable nappies and pull-ups are so convenient BUT the added absorbece means that kids don’t always notice when they’ve gone. If they can't feel it, they can't put the puzzle together. If you're brave enough, going nappy-free is a super way to help them become aware (messy, but effective!). If you're not keen on that try using underwear - they can still feel the wetness and connect the sensation to what’s happening.
The downside is that we get extra work of cleaning out the mess. Trust me it's worth it in the end - simply helping them put two and two together can really speed things up.
3. Do what works for their personality
Competitive personalities are motivated by a challenge. Often thrive on recognition. Try sticker charts and encourage them to win a sticker every day without missing it! Rewards like sweets or toys are best avoided as they will only make your life harder later on when you stop giving it to them.
Empathetic personalities are motivated by nurturing. The trick is to give poo and wee a persona. Pretend Mr Poo want to “go home” to his family in the toilet. Your child’s job? Help them get home! There is / used to be a mobile game called "Poo goes home to poo land" which we enjoyed!"
Independant personalities love being involved. Give them choice: "Do you want to go now or in 5 mins?"Involve them in choosing their potty or their undies. Provide a set-up where they can access the adult toilet and washing basin by themselves. Tip: Ask them if they need help (they will tell you "no") and then you can say "ok, Ill leave you to it!"and they will immediately get a sense of gratification from that interaction! It makes them feel like a big kid. These days you can get very inexpense automatic soap dispensers too which helps give them even more independance.
Cautious children are motivated by extra support. Provide a comforter or teddy they can hold onto while they go. Consider getting a potty with calm, gentle colors or characters. You can even sit with them and play or sing a special “toilet song” while they go.
Laid back kids may need a gentle push to get started Just state, “Okay! It’s time to visit the toilet!”
Cautious and laid back kids may need more time and patience than others - they are in no rish and respond better to fun rather than a sense of urgency.
4. Frequency
In the beginning, aim for hourly toilet visits. This gives them plenty of opportunity to catch it at the right moment. It also is important for them to get used to interrupting playtime! One of the toughtest parts of toilet training is the fact that children dislike pressing pause on playtime. An hourly visit will help them practice doing that.
5. Expect Regressions
Toilet training is NOT a one-and-done process. Why does it feel like this part gets left out of the inforamtion so often?
Most journeys will make progress, then backtrack. And life changes (like starting daycare, growth spurts or some other change will likely cause a regression. Never fall for advice that says it should be done in two weeks—every child is different. As parenting expert Janet Lansbury puts it, “There is no ‘normal’ timeline. Trust your child’s process.”
6. Continue your routine when Out and About
Consistency really does help. Bring a portable potty and stick to your routine even when outside. Keeping things predictable helps reinforce the habit.
7. Avoid constipation
Constipation is pretty common during toilet training as kids often try and hold it in. You can help them out by providing extra fibre and water in their diet. Try:
Cooked pears (I like to add some cinnamon or poach them with some honey)
Apples
Dried plums (one or two is enough) - also known as prunes
Extra water - not milk. Dairy products have been known to be more likely to contribute toward constipation.
Fibre or prebiotic gummies
8. Stay Neutral
Mistakes are part of learning. Try these neutral statements to teach your children without the guilt:
“Oops! We're going to wee in the loo from now on ok?”
"Mistakes happen kiddo, lets try again next time"
"Whoops! Let's try to get our poo in the toilet rather than on the floor"
"Remember we are going to start weeing in the potty now, not in our undies"
"Your still learning, be patient with yourself!"
Remember that children are great at sensing frustration. If they pick up that we are angry with them they could link the problem to toileting and start avoiding it (holding things in). Yes, it can be really hard to keep your face and tone pleasant - we are human too. If you need to just leave the room for a moment while you breathe and collect your sanity thats ok.
Conclusion
You are NOT alone. Toilet training is tough. Give yourself some compassion for doing your best and remember eventually, every child gets there—in their own way, in their own time. The best thing you can do? Ditch the pressure, the comparisons, and the guilt. Instead, focus on supporting your child and making this a positive, stress-free journey.
As Dr. Spock once said, “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
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