There are a lot of things I wish I knew before becoming a parent but the biggest one is that even if you do all the "right" things and follow all the advice: things will still go to shit and that's expected. It's not a reflection of your parenting skills.
The next thing I wish I was warned about is judgment. Like a swooping magpie, it comes flying at you left and right. (Just wondering now whether Dads judge each other less or the same?)
From the moment you announce your pregnancy your family, friends, coworkers, and complete randoms will feel obligated to confidently share:
- that you will soon hate your partner
- that things will go wrong at birth
- you aren't eating right
- you shouldn't exercise or
- you should exercise more
- a long list of scary things that "you'll see" will happen
When you have the baby it goes up a level. Everyone is invested in making sure you're doing the "right" things. Of course, it's mostly all well-meaning and comes from a place of them wanting to help.
Other mums are sometimes our harshest critics. Mums! We need to support one another - not make each other feel more isolated. I've seen mums judge each other for wearing too much makeup or for not wearing any at all.
Sonja happily shares on Facebook that her baby is sleeping through at 2 weeks old. Do I feel happy for Sonja? Yes sure I do. Do I also want to wring Sonja's neck? Also yes. She wasn't to know I was feeling completely broken from exhaustion after 6 months of waking 4-6 times a night.
When it comes to babies - they are not the same. There is no equation (I wish there was!). You don't get the same results just because you take someone's advice. Instead, it's more like art. You have an image in your mind of what parenting is going to look like but after the brush strokes fall it is completely different and not at all what you imagined it to be. Sometimes you can see the beauty in it. Other times you can't see the beauty in it at all and it's a mess. More importantly: no one can tell you what it should look like.
If we stick to sharing our own experiences when asked to, maybe we can create a more supportive environment for new and struggling parents.
So be kind to yourself and be kind to others because we don't know what people are going through.