Beliefs become legacy
One of the challenges of raising kids is deciding what values to teach. The beliefs we teach them (either on purpose or by default) often become their own. Children adopt all sorts of beliefs from parents even our political affiliations, moral values like integrity, courage & honesty, our eating and sleeping and exercising habits, and even our love of binge watching K- Dramas on netflix.
Sometimes children hold these for life. As we grow up, we do not always question belief systems unless they begin to cause us problems.
This is the influence we have over our children. Kinda scary. But there is one belief system I want to question this week – one I was brought up with and for many years believed was good. That belief system is the practice of peace keeping.
"Keep the Peace"
Like many of us I was raised religiously and this meant I was imbued with many of the typical peace keeping values including things like:
· Always forgive people who wrong you
· Turn the other cheek
· Don’t outwardly show anger
· Anger = aggression
· Put others’ needs first
· If someone threatens you - just walk away
By employing these virtues I believed it would lead to a peaceful life and internal clarity. One where conflict would be kept to a minimum – if experienced at all. As a reward, I could categorize myself as good and virtuous. I will share the outcomes of this way of life at the end of this post.
Questioning Keeping the Peace
6 years ago I began to question these beliefs and this way of life. Doubt grew as I began to ask the questions “Is it good for me?” “Is it good for anyone?” and “What do I teach my kids?”
This week a story fell into my lap which tore away any remaining doubt in my mind – it totally clarified my perspective on what was the right path for me. The story is of an artist called Marina, Abramovic. In 1974 at 28 years of age she conducted an art performance called Rhythm 0.
****Trigger warning – violence****
In the performance, Marina layed out 72 objects and asked the audience to use them on her how they wished – all the while committing to remain passive for six hours.
Art critic Thomas McEvilley, described what happened like this:
"It began tamely. Someone turned her around. Someone thrust her arms into the air. Someone touched her somewhat intimately. The Neapolitan night began to heat up. In the third hour all her clothes were cut from her with razor sharp blades. In the fourth hour the same blades began to explore her skin. Her throat was slashed so someone could suck her blood. Various minor sexual assaults were carried out on her body. She was so committed to the piece that she would not have resisted rape or murder. Faced with her abdication of will, with its implied collapse of human psychology, a protective group began to define itself in the audience. When a loaded gun was thrust to Marina's head and her own finger was being worked around the trigger, a fight broke out between the audience factions.”
It was essentially an experiment to see how far people will go without retaliation or consequences. Here’s what Marina said happened after the 6 hours were over:
“I stood up and started walking toward the audience. Everyone ran away, to escape an actual confrontation."
Everyone ran away…. Even the people who were exacting violence. They ran away to avoid confrontation. Here’s the lesson:
Passivity allows harm to be done to you.
The people who exacted violence on Marina are everywhere. People who – by their very nature – are compelled to do harm until someone stand ups and walks toward them. In other words until someone says "no!", and calls them out. If this confrontation doesn’t take place, harm continues.
I don’t even want to think about what would happen to Marina after 24 hours.
Consequences
This “standing up” is something that is in opposition with the peace seeking belief system I was raised with – the beliefs that asked me to be passive then walk away. But is there a difference between walking toward (like Marina), and walking away? Yes, there is and it it looks something like this:
Walk Away | Walk Toward |
You reveal to the harmer that you avoid conflict | You reveal to the harmer that you are fearless |
The harm stays hidden | You shine a light on the harm |
They are empowered | You are empowered |
There’s no cost for them | Exposure comes at a cost |
Harm continues | Harm slows or stops |
Then there are the psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths who are a different kettle of fish but we will not dive in to that here lol.
Do you know any people like this? They are the ones who push your buttons constantly. Why? Who the fuck knows. Is it always malicious? I don’t believe so. I believe most pathological people act on a simplistic reward system – doing what feels best to them and what protects their ego. Rather than being “out to get you” these types of people are simply focused on themselves.
I did a test a few years ago where I stopped being “nice” to people who were not “nice”. What’s surprising is that after just one confrontation - these people will do a 180 and start behaving differently to you – even showing you respect.
I digress. Back to what to teach your kids. Let me share now what the outcomes of committing to the silent and passive strategy as a child:
I became a target for bullies, allowed myself to be a victim
I developed low self-esteem & social anxiety
My extraverted personality became introverted
The conflict I was trying to avoid, I ended up holding it within me feeling angry and resentful all the time
I internalized the bullying, becoming depressed
As an adult I wanted to be more assertive but had forgotten how…
A healthier value system?
How can we teach our kids to pursue peace with the people around them and avoid conflict without being walked all over and loosing their voices?
1) Modeling. Children adopt most of their behaviors by watching ours. Allow them to witness us negotiating outcomes with others. Let them see us calmly correct someone, or call people out when they are out of line – again calm but firm.
2) Narrate our thought process aloud when dealing with frustration with others so our children can see how to process confronting situations in a healthy way.
3) Replace pursuit of peace with encouraging empathy – peace is not always possible so expecting it from everyone can lead to disappointment. Instead, we can help kids understand the feelings of others, and offer them insight into their humanity to foster compassion.
4) Let them practice at home. When they begin to assert themselves or critique us – they are trying to practice being assertive. Sometimes kids get over zealous and think parents setting healthy boundaries deserves an earful! Instead of punishing them for “talking back” teach them anger is not bad – it’s how they choose to express it. Home is where they learn first, so we teach them how to express themselves calmly and respectfully by
giving them the words
rewarding honesty
compliment their courage to speak up.
I like to remind them I’m not bullying them, it’s just my job to protect their healthy habits as a responsible, loving mum.
5) It’s ok to walk away. There will still be times when walking away is necessary. If they have tried to be assertive and are getting nowhere, they might have to remove themselves from the situation.
Conclusion
A “walk toward” approach might be better than the old “walk away” teaching. These values may be a healthier alternative to the impossible goal of pursuing peace at all costs. Anger and confrontation are useful tools when channelled into healthy assertion. Teaching these skills in the foundational years will help them last throughout their life. Practicing empathy and assertiveness at home prepares them to navigate difficult social situations at school without becoming overwhelmed or passive.
The outcome? True peace of mind.
If you have an opinion, share below or jump into the forum to discuss!
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