I saw a Ted Talk a few years ago and it has probably been the most useful bits of parenting advice I’ve come across, perhaps ever. During the talk, Becky explains how all parents (herself included) will inevitably have those moments when our patience runs out and we find ourselves completely at odds with our kids. She then sheds light on the single most important parenting strategy: reconnection.
Watch Becky's Ted Talk here.
Why Reconnection Matters
Kennedy highlights that what truly counts isn't avoiding these tense moments at all - but rather how we handle them afterward is what matters more than anything else. Reconnecting with our children after a conflict is way more important than not disconnecting at all.
The process of reconnecting starts with self-compassion, followed by demonstrating awareness of how we contributed to the breakdown, and finally reassuring our kids that our love remains unwavering.
This act of reconnection doesn’t just mend the relationship – it makes the connection even stronger. There is more, trust, more safety, more openness than before. It also provides a very important opportunity to teach our children (by demonstration) invaluable lessons about personal responsibility, humility, and self-compassion. By our actions, they witness what it is to be resilient and kind toward themselves & others.
How to Properly Reconnect
Kennedy offers practical advice on how to reconnect starting with a sincere apology that involves, taking responsibility, demonstrating awareness of how you impacted them and finally committing to steps that help avoid the same scenario in the future. It might look like this:
“Hey. I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure that felt scary. And it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.
This repairs the immediate damage while also setting a powerful example of how to manage emotions and mistakes.
Managing Parental Guilt
A common hurdle in effective parenting is the guilt and shame we feel after losing our temper. Kennedy encourages us to be kinder to ourselves. While it's natural to feel regret, we should view guilt as a signal to reconnect, not as a punishment. This shift in perspective allows us to treat ourselves as we would a friend – with kindness and compassion.
If we focus on our own mistakes, our children will most likely learn to do the same.
Applying the Strategy Beyond Parenting
Although Kennedy’s insights are primarily focused on parenting, the principles of reconnection and emotional repair can be applied to all relationships. Whether it's with partners, friends, or colleagues, prioritizing reconnection will build deeper, more resilient connections with the people who have the capacity for this type of conversation. Be aware, that some people you try this with will not be ready / don’t have the tools for this type of transparent and honest talk. But don’t let that discourage you 😉
Revisiting Key Steps for Parents
Acknowledge: Name what you did.
Sincerity: Identify how your actions impacted them.
Reaffirm Love: admit your behaviours are your responsibility to manage, regardless of how you are feeling.
Reflect and Learn: State what you would like to do in the future instead.
Negotiation (two-way needs): Ask them to help you understand them better. Be honest about your own expectations.
NOTE: The time for negotiation may be best timed for later. E.g. the next day or the next time a similar event happens.
Conclusion
Becky Kennedy’s TED Talk offers a refreshing and guilt-free perspective on parenting. By focusing on reconnection, we see breakdowns as opportunities – not threats! We can foster stronger, healthier relationships with our children than we ever thought possible. This approach not only enhances our bond with our kids but also teaches parents how to be kinder and more compassionate to themselves.
As you go about your week ahead remember that repair, not lack of rupture is what matters most.