TL/DR:
Forgiveness is a gift you give after you have healed rather than in order to heal and should be reserved only for people you want to stay connected with. Forgiveness as a means to "find peace" will always compromise you.
John Demartini in The Breakthrough Experience said: "Anything you feel guilty about, you repeat; and anything you forgive, you keep attracting to your life.”
A pretty common question people ask is: "Do I have to forgive in order to let go of anger and move on?" These days, I believe that the answer is something different to what we've been taught. The answer is no - that forgiveness isn't always the answer. In fact you should not try to forgive someone for the purpose of trying to heal and get rid of "negative" emotions like anger or bitterness.
To side track a bit on this because it's a topic I'm passionate about: anger is important. It's a message from your body saying a boundary has been crossed - please pay attention! When you do a little digging under the anger there is ALWAYS an important lesson to be learned so never sweep it away without first giving it the attention it deserves! Unfortunately people who are unable to correctly manage their emotions act out in anger and it's important to distinguish a person's inability to manage the emotion from the emotion itself. Anger goes away on it's own once you have done the right amount of digging.
Ok back to forgiveness and why the traditional method of giving it to everyone may not be the healthiest way...
Somewhere along the way it's original purpose became forgotton. For generations people seem to have been teaching that it's meant to heal you. For the first 30 years of my life I believed this because it was how I was taught. Growing up in a “Seventh Day Adventist" Church, I was always encouraged to be tolerant - turn the other cheek and quickly forgive so that I could “heal” myself from hurt and bitterness.
Unfortunately it took me a little too long to realise I was not benefitting. It’s not just a misunderstanding from religion. Teachers, parents, well meaning friends and even psychologists share that forgiving others is essential for releasing hurt.
So I’d like to normalize an unusual question…
What if we’ve been looking at forgiveness the wrong way? What if forgiveness isn’t how we heal at all?
Forgiveness as an Outcome
The more I pay attention to forgiveness the more I've come to believe that it's the final step to reconnect with someone who you still want in your life. Whether it's verbal or just a thought in your head - it's a gift of a fresh start.
When we give it to someone, it’s a declaration that we've already done the work to heal and as a result are no longer hurt. We have decided to believe that whatever was said or done wasn’t representative of who they truly are anyway.
Here, forgiveness is a gift you give to reinstate trust after you have healed and decided that you want to keep this person close. This is a crucial distinction—especially if you are a parent.
If you're in a situation where you don’t want to continue the relationship as it was before...does forgiveness stills play a role? Absolutely. However, in these cases, forgiveness should be directed inward: as an act of compassion toward yourself.
What should we teach our kids?
Teaching kids is tricky because children are maniacs and none of them are capable of treating each other nicely yet. That doesn't mean you just leave them to it - they really need us to remind them and encourage them about what to do every day.
We also want to teach our children to maintain meaningful relationships and let go of those that no longer serve them well.
My personal view is to be very careful about telling kids to turn the other cheek - it could lead them to tolerate bullying. I tell my kids almost every day that:
Kids (including themselves and all their friends) are still learning how to treat people - no one knows how yet so try to be patient
Right now - it's normal to have lots of disagreements with friends every day
It's hard to be a kid but they are doing a great job!
Practice practice practice using words - it's the quickest way to get back to having fun (pouting, yelling or snatching don't help)
If you've tried talking and someone won't listen - tell them you don't like how they are playing anymore. If they still don't listen - go and do something else
My Personal Steps to Heal
Before you can forgive yourself OR someone else, there are important steps to take first. I've done a lot of healing in my life and here are some steps that have proven true for me:
1. Do an emotional Deep Dive:
List emotions: I list all the emotions I’m feeling—anger, sadness, confusion, guilt etc. Then, I take the time to explore each one. Why do I feel this? What is lurking at the base of these emotions? e.g. Fear of abandonment. Frustration at feeling not in control. Understanding the root of my feelings always helps.
Learn lessons about others: Sometimes as I delve deeper, I often realize that the person lacks the capacity to have healthy relationships in the first place. I realise they aren't attacking me personally but they also don’t have the tools to manage their own emotions in a healthy way or hold space for someone else's.
Learn lessons about myself: Even more often, I recognize that most of my anger stems from the fact that my own response didn’t match up with my values. (As a recovering pushover - when I am confronted I often default to silence or 'going with the flow'. I'm still learning). In this way I am able to take personal responsibility for the part I played in the matter and am no longer just a victim. That is a very powerful thing because it gives me insight on how to avoid getting into the same situation again.
2. Self-Forgiveness:
After these steps, I forgive myself. By showing yourself the same compassion you would offer to a friend you recognize that you are human, that you fell short, but that it’s okay. Decide to continue forward to a higher place - one step at a time. Forgiving yourself is a crucial step in healing because it allows you to let go of the burden of guilt.
3. The Truth will set you free:
Experience a perspective change. Discovering the truth about why something happened provides me with clarity about whether a person deserves to still hold my trust or not. This discovery results in a shift in your perspective/expectation of that relationship. Afterward I find that I move from feelings of confusion or resentment toward a place of understanding and decision making.
Make a decision. Here, I decide whether it’s a good idea to give the gift of forgiveness or to downgrade the relationship (or keep it at all). This is where the final healing takes place – to free yourself from obligation to forgive someone if you’ve decided it’s not a good idea.
How does this look? You can still treat people with respect or cordiality where needed but instead of them being someone you confided in, you might now keep things to yourself. You might choose to proceed but with caution, no longer reaching out to catch up.
To explain or not to explain? If someone questions me about my withdrawal I personally believe that it's best to be honest. Not necessarily because you owe someone an explanation but simply to practice communicating your needs and wants and not avoiding that tough conversation. The more we practice it, the less awkward we feel and importantly the more we able we are to teach our children not to shy away from sharing their needs & wants.
Conclusion:
I no longer believe that forgiveness is a path to healing. It's a gift you give in the final step of restoring and repairing relationships that matter to us. It’s also about choosing to believe the best in others WHO DESERVE IT and giving ourselves the grace to grow and learn from our experiences.
If you’re struggling with forgiveness—that’s normal and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal.
Here is a fantastic article on the topic of forgiveness - I highly recommend reading it here:
Disclaimer: The information in this article is for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice or to replace the services of a qualified health professional.
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